Can It Really Get Any Worse

I don’t even know where to start, with this guy. If there was EVER a real person who embodied SNL style parody- this is him. In the words of another coworker “He’s that frail little F***.” His teeth are pointy and orange like candy corn. He’s got a disability due to a back injury. Ok that’s fine- something like that is not to be ridiculed- but he got this implant thing that sends an electric stimulus to help out the problem.

When he returned to work after having this hardware upgrade, he wanted to “show it off” I guess ( mainly to female coworkers.) the device is somewhere around his hip, so to show it off he has to both pull up his shirt, and pull down his pants a little. All the while saying “Touch it. No, right here. Feel that? It’s hard! Touch it, TOUCH IT!” In our line of work, we often deal with the military, and military regulations.

This guy is a retired _______ sergeant. I’m prior military, not retired- but im a vet. THIS guy throws around his RETIRED status like it means something. He had a problem where he was getting email for someone in the military with the same name as him. He Tracked them down, and asked them to change their email. During the conversation, he said “Well, you’re speaking to _________Sergeant RETIRED! So you WILL resolve this!” ( or something to that effect). He will also “threaten” to call high ranking officers to resolve matters as well. ( he’s an entry- level employee here.) When the boss here ( who knows his shit too, I might add) is speaking- this dude will take the last 2-3 words the boss says, and repeat them back to him- as if to say “ You are going right along with what I was just thinking…” It must work for him though- because when the rest of us braved “MANDATORY OVERTIME”

This jerk was afforded the opportunity to work from home for O.T. for 3 hours a night. This guy didn’t even do 3 hours of work in 2-3 DAYS at the office. Every telephone call he handles is SO LOUD on his end, that you can hear him anywhere in the office. And its mainly him saying “Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Right. No.Nonononononononono. Nuh-hooooooooooooo. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, no, right.” The same applies to any conversation you have with him. Did I mention the uncomfortably personal facts this guy will tell you? A few of my personal faves: His Daughters mysterious crotch-rash. (illustrated by pointing to his own crotch) The mysterious crotch rash HE now has. His 13 year old sons inability to stop wetting the bed. His sons FIRST erection. The bump on his sons privates, that only hurts when he has a boner. His ailing fathers porno collection, and male enhancement tablets.

These nuggets are dispatched during his morning forum he holds in his cube he shares with 3 other people. It usually lasts 45 minutes. If anyone else has input, he is noticeably bored, and barely able to keep his eyes open. I am truly amazed at his sagelike wisdom in the face of adversity. The situations he (claims) ends up in. All his actions and responses are SO well balanced and thought out.. We have holiday buffets in our office. This scumbag was caught picking through the food with his dirty (nail bitten) fingers.

He apologized ONLY after I ridiculed him in our team meeting by calling him an ape for doing so. Turns out that 50-some years doing so at home makes it “ok” for him to do so at work. He makes coffee in the office coffee machine, and I thought it was odd he stood there watching it drip. Then I realized he had his own cup under the spout letting it fill. Ok, that’s not so gross, as just plain weird.

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